WARNING: personal exegesis ahead. I went to CVS today at lunchtime, generally against my better judgment, and was once again parted from a large amount of cash in exchange for a very small number of items. Additionally, the more frivolous the item I needed, the easier it was to find, and vice versa -- that is, the greeting cards I bought were right in the front, just past the towering displays of Valentine's Day candy (!), and there was actually a besmocked CVS employee stocking the cards who offered to help me find one...um, no thanks, but where were you when I need to find Band-Aids? Hidden away in the overstuffed aisles near the pharmacy counter are all the things you really need, with all the especially nasty and embarassing items shelved right next to each other for, apparently, the employees' amusement. To wit, today I walked past the condoms, enemas, and anal itching creme (which, I'll grant you, provides a lot of entertainment for those of us unafflicted -- I mean, when the product is named "Anusol" do they really need to print "For external anal itching" in 20pt. red letters across the box?), to the Oral Care section. I am playing host this week to a mighty cold sore on my lip (all together now: EWWWW), and I decided to break down and get some Campho-Phenique, which is really just a topical pain reliever (i.e. doesn't really "speed healing" as it claims) but hey, I need some topical pain relief. Over the last few years there's been an explosion in cold sore treatments, seriously -- all the big players (Blistex, Orajel, Chapstick, Bristol-Meyers) have a medicated salve of some kind, and then there are all these odd "holistic" ones, full of Lysine and Zinc and other dubious compounds. And in the midst of all this, I see that Campho-Phenique is on sale, only $5 for the tiny tube, not $6 and a quarter, woohoo. So I'm hoping to just grab one and go, but wait...something's different...there are two different tubes for sale, one with a red stripe and one with a blue stripe. One is "Campho-Penique with Drying Action" and the other is "Campho-Phenique with Scab Relief." Good grief. The mind reels! Here I am in abject, pitiable, ragged-lipped vulnerability, just hoping to hasten the healing, and I have to stand there in the CVS trying to analyze whether I have a wet or dry cold sore, whatever the hell that means....again, EWWWW! Of course, when you stop to examine the back of a box in the Humiliation Aisle, the entire population of customers suddenly decides to walk behind you (and, of course, peer over your shoulder). So eventually I went with Drying Action, but bitterly. The kicker is, when I got back to work, I noticed that on the back of the "Drying Action" box, they actually recommend using "Scab Relief" also, "after blister has dried." That clinched it for me that there is no difference between these products -- it's a naked ploy to get people to buy twice as much Campho-Phenique. Sheesh -- they should be paying me $5.12 for this stuff.

Never forget, people, "CVS" stands for "Consumer Value Store," not "Discreet Neighborhood Pharmacy." >>:-W