Just in case you haven't seen "The Return of the King" yet, here's a helpful list of What Not to Do at the screening. Chuckle. I think I'll compose a list of What Not to Do at "Cold Mountain," which I saw yesterday with Jude Law II and thoroughly enjoyed...apart from some fellow moviegoers doing things like this:

1. Don't show a sweeping holiday historical epic romance type move in a theater the size of a Triscuit. (this one's for the theater -- for shame, Woburn!)

2. Don't yak loudly to your friends before the previews start, then give the hairy eyeball to those of us who like to make fun of the trailers -- heaven forbid we don't pay complete attention to the commercials!

3. Don't be surprised by bloody scenes of combat or grisly scenes of hardship (i.e. eating grubs) in a movie set during the Civil War. Also, don't be surprised when the violence/hardship continues throughout the picture -- this is called a "theme."

4. As if this needs to be said, don't stage-whisper obvious turns of the plot to your neighbors, i.e. "That's the guy from before!" or "Uh-oh, they figured out where he's hiding!" Duuuuhhhhhhh.

5. Don't begin to loudly dissect the zillion differences between the book and the movie at the instant the lights come up at the end; nobody cares!

There.