"For some teen girls, sexual preference is a shifting concept" -- well, thanks for that earth-shattering pronouncement. I'm all for appropriate expressions of teenage lust, but what the heck is going on at some of these schools? The girl-girl couples at my high school held hands and wore flowered scarves; there was no charging boys $10 to watch them make out. Ick.

Only in Sheboygan -- 7 year-old kid gets stuck inside stuffed animal grabber arcade game! Awww, he's just like the little guys in Toy Story...and I must quote Otto: "I don't care if it takes me all night, I'm gonna get me that lobster harmonica. Come on, lobstie!"

5-0, hide your almanac -- I'm a little behind the curve on this story, but it bears repeating, or should I say, deflating. Apparently the FBI sent out an advisory to local police departments to note any suspicious people carrying almanacs like this one or this one, especially if they are annotated. The idea is, terrorists might use info on bridges, reservoirs, buildings, etc. from these books to plan their evil deeds. Well, nobody wants that, and nobody wants the Almanac Police locking up stamp collectors and trivia buffs, either -- but I honestly don't think this deserves the outrage I've seen expressed over it. The FBI is not suggesting banning the Old Farmer's Almanac, it's letting the vaunted "first responders" know about something subtle to look out for. Obviously, terrorists can get information from the internet, television, etc., but I think what they're after here is the admittedly unlikely scenario of detaining a suspect, say, taking notes under the Golden Gate Bridge with a pair of binoculars, and in his pocket is an almanac with the bridge entry circled in red, or something. The people who are upset by this should read up on what Ashcroft has cooking, that will make it all better.

Just in case you haven't seen "The Return of the King" yet, here's a helpful list of What Not to Do at the screening. Chuckle. I think I'll compose a list of What Not to Do at "Cold Mountain," which I saw yesterday with Jude Law II and thoroughly enjoyed...apart from some fellow moviegoers doing things like this:

1. Don't show a sweeping holiday historical epic romance type move in a theater the size of a Triscuit. (this one's for the theater -- for shame, Woburn!)

2. Don't yak loudly to your friends before the previews start, then give the hairy eyeball to those of us who like to make fun of the trailers -- heaven forbid we don't pay complete attention to the commercials!

3. Don't be surprised by bloody scenes of combat or grisly scenes of hardship (i.e. eating grubs) in a movie set during the Civil War. Also, don't be surprised when the violence/hardship continues throughout the picture -- this is called a "theme."

4. As if this needs to be said, don't stage-whisper obvious turns of the plot to your neighbors, i.e. "That's the guy from before!" or "Uh-oh, they figured out where he's hiding!" Duuuuhhhhhhh.

5. Don't begin to loudly dissect the zillion differences between the book and the movie at the instant the lights come up at the end; nobody cares!

There.

Doesn't 2004 have a nice ring to it so far? I think so -- I felt 2003 was off-kilter from the start, and to me '04 feels like a year of great good fortune, as well as some hard work and general getting on with it...hmmmm, could it be that I'll be turning t-h-i-r-t-y this year? I'm actually pretty excited by that, since my true internal age is something like 38, so I'll be entering my proper decade, finally. It doesn't hurt to start off the year with a fine festa, as was held at 32CRR on 12/31, a delightful evening of fine pastry, potent sangria (guilty!), and a dash of illicit cinema...all the ingredients, muahahahaaaaa...